~ Stuff for my songs ~


Her name is Sarah; I got to know her yesterday evening.
She reminds me of you.
The way she talks, so enthusiastically, picturing my head of your colors.
I wonder if you are as beautiful as I remember you were.
Or was it just my brain adoring you too much?

Softly spoken, spoken words.
I wanna re-hear every word you said to me.
You're obsessed with sex. Scoffed at my obsession with life and breath.
Was it why you left?

Was it really why you left?
Oh wait, you never really left, I just never took you back.


This morning,

I had a dream about being with you,
Then I woke up wanting to kiss you.


In the movies

You make me say that,
I want to fall in love like how they do in the movies.



Babe, I moved on long time ago.
At least that's how I thought.
Then I saw two friends of yours at that lousy place on Wednesday,
And my chest hurt badly.
I lost my breath.
That made me wonder,
If I ever cross your mind these days.

Babe, I asked him about you,
he said he didn't know.
I wonder why did I care to even mentioning your name.
I cried quietly that night thinking of you.

Babe, I moved on long time ago.
I really did.
Maybe it was just my chest acting weird, it needs extra time to heal.
Apparently 2,5 years is not enough.
I should be kind to myself - after all you were my first.

Babe, I hope you're doing good,
I hope you're happy with your life.
Too bad we're living so far away.
I wish you the best of everything.



What's wrong with me?
Why am I so unlovable?



I loved you this much.
That much,
As much as I could love someone.

Then you broke me,
As broken as I could be.
But I never blamed you.
You had your own reasons, reasons I will never understand.
And that's ok.
That's really ok, because love was never mentioned.

No one ever owns me,
You could, I never told you this.
But you could have.

I'd done stupid silly things for you,
You'd done stupid silly things for me,
I guess we're equal.
Equally screwed into each other's bones.

Truth is,
I will never forgive you.
Sadly, I love you only.



Collapsing you in my brain,
Blurring my senses of you,
Like decorating my heart once again.
This time is gonna be better, I promise myself that.

And oh, by the way,
Fuck you.



He said his name was McLennon,
Like John Lennon.
Couple of times bumping into him.
Cutest boy I have ever seen.

Dancing with a lover,
and another one,
and another new one.

I met you before you got a he.
Progressing so fast,
Making me wanna be you.
I wish I could be you for a second.

Can you take me to downtown with you for once?
Start over, force me tasting random tongues.
I wanna be an unfaithful heartless slut.
She can do it, why can't I?
Being nice doesn't give me anything.


Highlight of the 27

She said:
I just want a little bit of happiness for you.

I replied:
Thank you,
Means so much for me.

That line made me smile. I feel loved. Very much loved.
Never won any heart, but I feel so much lovable.
Maybe I am not that bad after all.



Upstairs looks so much fit,
but I am happy where I am.
I am happy for losing you,
I am happy for repainting my walls with green, blue, and orange.

No more purple,
this will be the nicest piece in my 25 years of beating heart.
I will win dots I never expected. Like sparks I tend to see in people.

Slide, I bumped into her.
What is the matter? I never asked for her.
When I think of home, I picture her laying on my bed gently brushing my head.
Kissing my lips softly.

Thanks to you, I promise my self.
To never ever, never ever,
Choose anyone over myself,
Ever again.


Next summer.

Next summer might be fun.
I think.
I am over you at least.
I think.
I promise I won't expect, nor think.

Funny how I am back and forth and inside out about these three letters.
Is it still too funny for you that I was so crazy for you last year, the year before and the year before that?
One day before yesterday I still wondered if I could finally be good enough for anyone.
Not just anyone - I mean for you and you for me.

Next summer might be fun.
I think. I am over you at least.
I think. I promise I won't expect, nor think.

But I really hope it won't be you, like last time at Westerpark.
I was so unhappy. Just in case you're wondering.
I know you won't. I just hope you would.
I lost my self slowly getting to know you.


C.S. Lewis by Zenpencils

C.S. LEWIS: To love at all

[12/02/2013] - Nice to keep in mind


My brain stops when I hear them mentioning your name.
I am not usually like that.
Behaving like I am so in love with you.

I am not.
Or am I?

Denying what he said bout you.
Dirty eyes, making me feel so oh-in-a-rush.
I am ok like this.
But I dislike it when,
My brain stops whenever I hear them mentioning your name.


-. . .--

Getting good with those for twenty five years.
Master of pessimistic relationship.
I am selling the coin. I am going backwards.
Learning to love without expectations.
Won't somebody please break my heart?

I miss saying that I would die if I see you with another.
I miss the warmth of kissing your lips in the rain.
I miss the butterfly in my belly.
Above all, I miss seeing you.

So hurry up, come here and steal me.
I promise I will learn to love you without expectations.



They say,
(be) Seventy-five, kid.
That's normal.
That's how things suppose to be.
A bit less. A bit more.
That's the beauty of balancing in life.

But I am one-hundred-and-ten.
Uneasily lovable.
Insanely awkward.
Unintentionally mean.

But I am one-hundred-and-ten.
I am annoying as fuck.
Nothing nice in me that I can be sold for.
Sometimes I wonder how I make friends.
I feel less of a human at times.

I wonder if anyone would ever gonna own me.



A song I wrote years ago.
Recorded in the living room using iPhone 4s on November 24th 2012.

Bday diary [13/11/2012]

Once in a while,
I fall.
So uncontrollably.
Like someone pulling me down into a deep limitless pool.

Then I would feel like cutting my chest wide open.
And throw my heart out of the window.
I don't want to feel.

I just don't want to feel.
Not like this.


Truth is,
I suppose,
I am so red. So yellow.
For you.
I was never someone else.
I am never someone else.
I guarantee you nothing but my heart.



You call me a cynical.
For falling hard yet numb for you.
One eye once again.
Hypothetically speaking…
I let you punch me in the lungs.

Kiss you on your shoulder.
No lips.
On your neck.
No tongue.
On your nose.
Read my lips,
You could be my first.

Poke me again.
Stuff I regret.
Words you regret.
Trust you've gained,
Trust you've lost.

I want you to beg me back.
I want you to rummage through your dead bed.
How does it feel? How broken is your heart?
Mine is pulverized.

Still do not know what went wrong.
Still do not know what I did wrong.
My heart is exhausted.
Maybe everything is wrong with me.

Things were so beautiful when my blue toothbrush was in your bathroom.

[OCT 2011]