The Morning Feeling


Waking up, I suddenly remembered bits of my childhood. It's funny; I can't recall much unless I see pictures. I have this one photo of me in a blue outfit, sitting on a chair, on top of a mini chair - I've always been small. I think that's the only picture I have as a child...

We all have things we regret, you know, those impulsive decisions driven by a short burst of excitement. Even though people debate it, most experts say the rational part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) is fully developed by age 25.

Though I didn't have the luxury of those short burst of excitements, I still think I messed up a lot—unintentionally breaking things as I went along.

Before turning 25, I used to believe strongly that I wouldn't live past that age. But when I actually hit 25, I didn't physically die, yet it felt like my heart and mind sort of gave up. Have you ever experienced something like that? Like a part of your soul just faded away, leaving you with a sense of numbness?

This autumn, I got news that my friend's colleague, age 23, took their own life, leaving a note saying they couldn't find a way to move forward. Whenever I hear such news, there's a silent exchange of understanding. I might even find myself recognizing the pain in their eyes. Oh, this year, I've started seeing people's colors again. I can't explain it right now, but I'll try to one day.

Anyway, revisiting my childhood memories, I'm sure we all have those fragmented recollections. I can recall only bits and pieces—the happiest moments, the saddest times, the most painful experiences. One thing remains constant, though: I can still vividly remember how I felt. Then I thought, ah Maya Angelou.. such a deep soul.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

It's true, isn't it? Certain names can make me cringe, while others bring a smile to my face. Some names still carry the weight of a bittersweet goodbye.. I just hope that the people in my circle will smile when they think of me—whether it's a peaceful smile, a loving smile, or even a dirty one. What matters most is that they feel loved.

Bottom line is, I want to be able to look at my life and own it. I guess this is why I always tell the truth, no matter how painful. People say that it's a brave decision, but what they don't understand is that, I can't live with the alternative. I cannot live knowing that I decieve people I care about. I'd say quiet the opposite.. "How dare you hiding things from people you care about?"—That takes a lot of bravery.

To the infinity and beyond,